I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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