she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
