look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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