You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
