i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
foreskin is a definite game changer
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
