I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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