Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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