i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
