i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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