Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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