that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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