Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
