I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
