my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
