so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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