you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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