All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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