I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
