the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
