so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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