Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
