Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
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