I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
