Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize