This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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