good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
