I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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