just survived the first fart of the relationship.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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