everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
My vagina just recognized that song.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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