we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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