My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
