when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
