my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
