he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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