I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
