So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
