Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize