is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
