hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
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