I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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