I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
