she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
