I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
