ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
