Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
