i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
