my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
