it's like iHOP with fire
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I pour the whiskey from now on
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
