His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Redeem this text for a blowjob
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Naked. naked and bneed help.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
