My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
