she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
