I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
