the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
