Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
