The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
