Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
