can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
