I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
