The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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