Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
