Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
